Yin and Yang

As you can all probably presume, yesterday I felt hurt by the actions of a few people in my life.  These aren't people that I'm close to, but their intent towards me is hurtful nonetheless.  And so I dwelled on it last night; I couldn't help it.

But you know what I realized today, after talking to a good friend?  If not for these icky deceptive people, I would never have met two people that have recently grown to be very near and dear to my heart.  And so I present the ever so apparent cliche of the Yin and Yang.

We've all been hurt.  We've all experienced a time afterwards that has made us feel like we might lose our faith in goodness and in balance.  And I'll be the first person to admit, when I encounter such experiences, I can never remember that (in almost all cases) a balance will emerge and in very little time, something will happen that will remind me of why I do choose to be the way I am.

There really is goodness out there.  And there really does exist a collection of people around us that remain near to us because they are who they are: wonderful, supportive, honest, and pure.  So here's to the bad people: go suck on a lemon!  For those of us who are real and true will always prevail, and we will always be better than you.

And to those who are just like me, including my two most recent allies, thank you for being exactly who you are.  And thank you for being in my life: for many reasons.

Love always...

"Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean." Ryunosuke Satoro

Shocks me every time...

I have some very redeeming qualities that make me who I am, and which also contribute to the fact that people tend to take to me very easily and quickly.  I make friends quite easily, and I can strike up conversation with almost anyone.  To be this kind of person, you must trust easily, have empathy, often give people the benefit of the doubt, have faith in the goodness of others, and believe in the best.

This is the kind of person I am.  That being said, when you're this kind of person, you unfortunately get hurt very easily, as I often am.  Years ago, while discussing more heartache imposed by an ex-boyfriend, I told my mother that part of me wished I had been more like him: untrusting, cynical, and guarded to all.  It seemed at the time that he rarely felt hurt and/or let-down or hurt by the sneaky and back-stabbing actions of those around him.  Therefore, he never really experienced the disappointment in people, because he never had much faith in anyone.

That day my mom said something like, "no, no.  I'd rather be more like you.  Being like him would mean that you were closed off, negative, and unhappy.  I'd rather be trusting."

And true, I get what she was saying... but still.  When you're like me, you feel let down too often.  And when I'm faced with a situation in which someone is dishonest, sneaky, and intentionally hurtful - no matter how many times it's happened (a lot) - I am hurt fully all over again.  And every time, when faced with this realization, I feel completely shocked.  I guess because I'm not wired that way, and so I may never understand how and why people feel the need to be so horrible and malicious.  

Sometimes it's hard to keep a positive attitude and keep faith in the goodness of the world as a whole.  Right now I'm having a hard time doing this.  Alas, I've maintained this hope and faith for this long so I reckon I will continue to be able to do so.

"You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination."  -Ralph Marston

Beside myself

So... in the past (less than) a week, I have secured a teaching job, a tutoring job, had dinner with my parents, got my car fixed and am about to Zumba for the first time.

After too many months of struggles and trials and tribulations, life seems to be coming together.  I have officially reconnected with my two most wonderfulest girlfriends to boot.  I guess over the past many months I have easily felt consistently down, primarily because it felt like life's obstacles were neverending.... but, as always, they have ceased to control me.  I now have my whole family back into good graces (which is an amazing blessing) and I have developed a control of my life and weaknesses that I haven't had in quite some time.  I feel amazing today.

We've all been here:  in a spot that makes us feel like things are so very far from coming together... and where life feels like it has all control and things are out of reach.  But I will tell you, after feeling it myself, I can assure you that if you feel this way now - well, it won't be forever.  Getting healthy, making the right changes, and making sure that you do what you need to do to ensure your support network maintains confidence in your ability to get better... well, that's when things will turn around.

But it's also not that simple.  Climbing out of a rut is not going to be a successful endeavor unless YOU do what YOU need to do; whether it's learning to be a positive thinker again, give up bad habits, regain faith, or learn to accept personal accountability... and it could be several or all of these things... regardless, it's in our power to do so.  And I want to take a second to give a shout out to my support group: my roommate, my boyfriend, my sisters, my family, my girlfriends, and everyone else who has acted as one or the pair of crutches that I've needed over the past year.  I love you guys.  I will forever be grateful for the support and the love that you've provided me with.  Yes, I would eventually have done it on my own, but I'm eternally grateful to have had your help along the way to speed up the process.  And in thanks, I shall continue to give you my unconditional love and admiration, as well as my pledge to do all in my power to further promote a healthy and successful growth, professionally and personally.

After all, without love from those who are most important to you, what do we really have?  DO NOT TAKE THOSE WHO LOVE YOU FOR GRANTED FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH THE WATERS WHEN YOU CANNOT WALK THROUGH IT YOURSELF.

I love you all.  For this and for many, many reasons: thank you - incessantly.

Best love always,
LLM

Astonished

You know, I continue to be shocked by people in life.  And not always for good reasons.  I often am floored by the lack of compassion and sympathy that so many people possess.  And then I see a story like I saw today, and it completely blows my mind in another way.

On The View today was a very practical family from Missouri.  They are a fairly young religious couple with a 19 year old and a 3 year old.  And though money would be a tricky thing, when they got an email from a friend in an orphanage in Peru about 5 children whose parents had died, they couldn't shake a feeling about some connection.  A year and a half later, all five children (to avoid being broken up as a family) were adopted by the couple.  There are language barriers across the board, but they said as soon as they walked into the orphanage in Peru, all 5 children (some of them 50 feet away) came running into their arms.  It is such a beautiful thing.  And I wish the news would tell us more about this kind of thing... because I think it would honestly restore a lot of lost faith that we sometimes can't help but fall into.

Additionally, Proctor and Gamble (who I dont' like because they test on animals constantly) provided the couple with a years worth of groceries.  But more than that, Avila University present the family with a total of half a million dollars in scholarship money for the kids to use for college AND invited them all to Avila's summer sports camps and home sports games.

As discouraged as I may get at times,  I have to admit, I do believe in humanity and that goodness does prevail.

XO

Interviews

So I went on my second interview today for a school that I really like.  The past year and few months has been quite a roller coaster, to say the least.  And I've hit hard times, within the time, over and over again.  I feel like I might actually be close to getting on my feet, not just professionally but also personally.  Hard times seem to make you develop bad habits, not like addictions (but that's possible), but just a self-deprivation and self-doubt kind of thing.  I won't lie, I've struggled with it a lot lately... but I honestly think that I may finally be overcoming it.

I find it hard, often, to see things in increments instead of the grand picture.  And I think I get overwhelmed because of it... and then I kind of give up in a way.  It's a hard cycle to break but it's possible to do so.  I think the hardest thing to do is to admit when you've lost control and when you need to ask for help, even if it's just in terms of gaining your mental strength back.

I'm really hoping this interview turns into a job, but you know what?  If it doesn't, I think I'll be okay.  I'll keep prevailing.  I can do this.  YOU can do this.  We all have our battles.  And quite frankly, if it weren't for friends and family, I don't know how I'd get through these things.  Which leads me to instantly acknowledge the fact that because I have the network I have, I can pretty much get through anything.  And the same goes for you.

May we all find strength when we need it.  And if we can't find it in ourselves, may we have the gift of briefly relying on our friends and family.  Though I will say this as a final statement:  I think today... I have finally learned that it comes from within.  And I've sought after it through every other outlet until now.  But we all have the power.  XOXO

I'm basically just blogging to myself and I'm actually totally okay with that.  It's like having a virtual diary but without putting anything personal on here.  It helps me get my extreme talkativeness out. :)

Day 2 of my new and improved blogging self.  Still a little confused about how to work this thing but regardless... I think I'm going to have fun with it. :)

I have no idea what i'm doing with this....